I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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