actually, I'm a sock model
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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