After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
