Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
