Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
