why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
