No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
