singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
