i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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