Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
