The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I need moral support for this bender
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
