if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
