He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
this hospital has no fireball
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
