Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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