You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
