We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
