Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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