I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
