the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Actions speak louder than pants.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
