please come you make the beer taste better
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
