Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
