Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
