Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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