The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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