my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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