youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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