mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
