I just pynch a tree in the face
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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