You can't motorboat a personality
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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