Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
