They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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