okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
