I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
