mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
