no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
