I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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