I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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