nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
