My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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