She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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