dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
