I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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