My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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