I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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