just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
