She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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