i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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