the condom got lost in my hair
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
