gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
