Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
