I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
