If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
