That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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