my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think my moral compass just broke
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
