She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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