he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I did not marry a roomba.
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