It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
