I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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