Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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