for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
