she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
