How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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