He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
